How to Help Your Teen Be a Good Person

The following is a redacted transcript of an interview between Eden Pontz (Greater Good in Science Magazine) with Ken Ginsburg author of the book “Congrats - You’re Having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person”

Instead of just surviving the teenage years, parents have an opportunity to help their teen grow and to strengthen their relationship.

Adolescents are adults coming into focus. When we prepare adolescents to be good people, to care about others and to want to contribute to the world, we are changing the future. When we prepare adolescents to understand that there is nothing more powerful than human connection, that we rely on family for advice to grow, and to help make our wisest decisions, we’re producing adults who are going to lead us into a better future.  How does that happen? Not by telling your kid to be a good person, but by seeing what’s already good and right about them. Celebrate that and build on it.

Role Models

We want to raise good human beings, people who care about themselves and care about other people. And adolescence is an amazing opportunity where people are developing their sense of identity, who they are and how they want to walk through the universe. They’re looking for what or who they might be as an adult, and they’re looking around for role models. If you’re in the position of being a role model for your child, show them you have struggles and complexities and are always trying to right yourself when something goes wrong. It’s in that transparency of showing how hard you work to be good and maintain a balance, even when life seems unsteady, that your kids are watching. They’re not looking for perfection, they’re looking for how you grow, how you navigate, and how you interact with other people, even when things are not going your way. That’s how you learn the essence of a human being. 

But is role modelling enough? It’s the start. What follows is open communication and talking to our kids about what matters, our values. How we make decisions. How we calm ourselves when we’re not feeling so calm inside. And, at times, saying nothing and listening to them. As young people try to figure out who they are, they’re going to be testing their own values. And a lot of the decisions that they’re going to be making daily are things like: What does it mean to be a good person, to be a good friend, to be patient, to be humble, and to listen to other people’s ideas? They’re learning all of these things. That takes a lot of inner thought and inner dialogue. When they have a human being who’s ready to listen to them—that’s you—to be a sounding board as they are debating the complexities of life, they’re going to find it easier to find their own footing and be the kind of person you’re hoping for them to become. 

Adolescence is about learning how much independence you can handle and learning to stand on your own two feet.  The first thing you need is to have them approach the world with a feeling of security, so that they know that they can make a mistake and recover. You can build that security when you raise your kid to know that they can’t lose you, that you will love them unconditionally and stand by them, even when they make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you approve of everything. But it means you’re not going anywhere. 

Family Code Word for Tricky Situations

Another thing I want for all kids to be able to do is to learn how to use a healthy way of getting out of a situation, if they can’t talk their way out of it easily.

That’s why I suggest every family early in adolescence—maybe even before adolescence—has a code word. So, if a kid finds themselves in an uncomfortable situation, they just need to text their family a code that says, “Mum, I didn’t get to walk Spotty today.” Spotty, in this example, is the code word. If the parent hears that, they know their child needs to get out of a situation, and texts back. They might write, “You were supposed to be home an hour ago! Where are you? I’m picking you up now.” The parent takes the blame. 

Nurturing Their Social Idealism

As adults, we’ve learned to sometimes avert our eyes to problems in society. But adolescents ask why. They ask, “How did you just walk by that man experiencing homelessness? Do you not see his suffering?” Things we’ve learned to ignore, they’re not willing to ignore. That is our greatest hope for the future. The fact that they have that righteous indignation that says, “What did you do wrong? I can do better.” We want to nurture that because our future is every generation figuring out things we haven’t. 

How do we nurture this in our kids? Listen to them and don’t shut them down. If they have something to say that is frustrating to them about the current state of the world, listen, and celebrate the fact that they care. Then listen further, as they offer solutions. And if those solutions need a little bit of back and forth, have that back and forth, to get them to sharpen their ideas. Create opportunities for them to go out and make a difference in the world.

We know a protective thing in a young life is to have a sense of purpose and know that they matter. How do you learn that? By “mattering.” So, let’s get our kids out there. Let them volunteer to clean up the neighbourhood, work on an environmental project, or help the neighbour who’s ill and can’t grocery shop or put their bins out. Find out what your child’s interest is and give them opportunities to be able to know they make a difference, and they matter. This will build their strengths, give them more confidence, and they will lead us into a better future. 

For the full article visit: How to Help Your Teen Be a Good Person (berkeley.edu)

By Aundraea Stevens

Convenor of the Mental Health and Wellbeing Committee